Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize