I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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