well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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