Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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