i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
