P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
