Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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