it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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