Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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