mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
