I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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