I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
