Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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