My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
