i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
