i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
