Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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