At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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