i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
