Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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