I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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