haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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