If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
