I'm gonna have a badass scar
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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