True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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