Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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