My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
