My liver just broke up with me...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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