My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
