that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I am naked and annoyed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
