just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
