I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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