I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
