I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish I only lived at night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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