Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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