I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize