hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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