That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
