hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
