when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
