Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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