Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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