First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
