Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
