how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
