I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
we're so committed to being not committed
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
