thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
