i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
