We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize