I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
