I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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