i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
