if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
