3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
