Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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