I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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