bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
